Catherine Cooke, accredited divorce coach, looks at the belief that staying together for the kids is the healthiest thing to, and where this could be misplaced protection.
“Children don’t need a perfect family. They need emotionally healthy parents.”
When you’re in a marriage that’s gone flat—or even quietly toxic—it’s easy to cling to the idea that staying is the selfless thing to do. You tell yourself you’re keeping the family “together.” That you’re protecting your children from the trauma of divorce. That once they’re older, maybe then…
But here’s the truth: children feel everything.
They feel the cold silences, the resentful glances, the polite distance. They know when love is missing—even if no one is yelling.
So, let’s talk about the myth so many people believe: That staying together “for the kids” is always the right thing to do.
The Myth: “Staying Together Is Best for the Kids”
It’s a belief passed down from generations—something that sounds noble on the surface.
And hey, it’s not coming from a bad place. Most people stay because they’re trying to protect their children from pain. They don’t want to disrupt the bedtime routines, the shared birthdays, the idea of a “whole” family. But here’s what often gets missed: If the household is full of stress, silence, or sadness… it’s already disrupted.
Children thrive in emotionally safe environments—not ones that simply tick the “together” box.
What Kids Really Learn from a Loveless Marriage
Children are emotional sponges.
Even if they never see an argument, they pick up on:
- The tension in the air when their parents pass like ships in the night
- The conversations that don’t happen
- The lack of joy, warmth, or connection
And while you think you’re shielding them, what they’re learning is:
“This is what love looks like. This is what marriage is. This is what I should expect.”
So, staying “for the kids”? It may be teaching them to settle. To silence themselves. To stay stuck.
What Children Actually Need to Thrive
Let’s flip the script.
What do kids really need?
- Parents who feel safe, calm, and emotionally grounded
- Open communication and predictable love—even if it’s across two homes
- Real-life examples of boundaries, courage, and healthy relationships
A home filled with emotional strain—even quiet, polite strain—can do more damage than two peaceful, separate homes ever could.
“But won’t divorce mess them up?”
Not if it’s handled thoughtfully. Not if you get support. Not if the focus is on building something new, rather than destroying something old.
When Leaving Becomes the Healthier Choice
Let’s be clear: choosing to separate doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re choosing growth over guilt, peace over performance, and truth over tradition.
And that’s not just good for you—it’s powerful role modelling for your kids. When they see you take brave steps to honour your emotional health, you’re teaching them:
“It’s okay to choose happiness. It’s okay to set boundaries. It’s okay to want more.”
That’s not selfish. That’s strength.
How a Divorce Coach Can Help You Get There
Let’s be honest, leaving a marriage is not an easy decision and certainly not an easy route to take. You’re trying to keep life ticking along—school runs, work, bills—while also holding the emotional weight of an entire family dynamic. And often, you feel stuck between “stay miserable” and “plunge into chaos.”
That’s where coaching comes in.
A divorce coach isn’t just a cheerleader. We’re here to:
- Help you explore whether staying or leaving is the right path (no pressure either way)
- Give you scripts for difficult conversations
- Help you reduce conflict and prepare for solicitor meetings
- Create a plan that prioritises you and your children’s emotional wellbeing
Because you don’t have to do this alone.
Final Thoughts
If you’re staying in your marriage purely out of fear, guilt, or what others might think—pause.
Take a breath.
You deserve more than silent suffering. Your children deserve emotionally available parents. And your future doesn’t have to be written in sacrifice.
You don’t need a perfect marriage to raise happy kids.
You just need honesty, healing, and a little help along the way.
About Catherine Cook
Catherine is an accredited divorce coach, with a Transformational Coaching Qualification, and a Professional Divorce Coaching Diploma from the Divorce Coaching Academy. She specialises in minimising conflict, supporting children and creating a positive co-parenting relationship.
She is the founder of Rightstep Coaching. You can book a free strategy call or download one of her free guides: Stay or Go Questions or Planning to Leave.
Useful Links
How to deal with guilt over a breakup
How do I know if I don’t love my partner anymore?
The importance of seeking emotional support during divorce
Navigating a sexless marriage: when is it time to divorce?
Should I stay friends with my ex?
The effects of divorce on children
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